Titanic, the K,L,&S version
by Kari Laura and Stuff
Summary: The tragic story of a house hitting an iceberg. Or a garbage truck hitting a house. We're not sure which.


This is the original version of the movie Titanic. James Cameron, the director, rejected this script in favor of one with Leonardo DiCaprio's death and Kate Winslet naked. Anyway, here it is. Has some swears in it, but nothing you won't find on primetime TV.  
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Scene 1: The Scary Beginning  
  
Story begins when Kari and Laura are standing by a bookshelf in their living room admiring some of their most hated family members' pictures. All of a sudden, a resounding crash knocks a picture down to the floor. Kari bends down to pick up picture.  
  
Laura: Don't worry about picking up the picture. It's only Aunt Martha. By the way,what was that crash?  
  
Kari: I think it was an iceberg. Our house hit an iceberg!!!  
  
Laura: It couldn't be an iceberg. It was probably a garbage truck.  
  
Kari: No, it was an iceberg. Look at all the ice and water flooding in.  
  
Laura: Kari, it's winter. Besides, look at all the garbage floating around.  
  
Kari: Laura, just because you have a messy room doesn't mean you can blame the garbage truck.  
  
Laura: I still think it was a garbage truck. And my room isn't that messy. We don't have to worry though. We're safe as long as the basement doesn't fill up.  
  
Kari: And what are the odds of that?  
  
Laura: (Looking at basement) Look! The basement's flooding!!  
  
Kari: Okay, stay calm. Jump on the couch! That'll keep us safe!! Anyway, it's our favorite spot.  
  
(Laura and Kari make it to the couch just as the upstairs begins to flood with water. Suddenly Laura screams.)  
  
Laura: (Screaming) Oh my God! I lost my apple! And it's half eaten! Mom told me never to waste food! (Laura dives off the couch and swims to the table where her half eaten apple lies. She holds it above her head triumphantly, and then begins to sink. Her eyes light up as an idea comes to her. She puts it under her arm pit and uses it as a floatation buoy. She kicks her way to the couch.) Kari, help me up!  
  
Kari: (Helping her up) Hey, Laura. Where's your chocolates? I have a craving.  
  
Laura: (Looking around frantically) Dude, I don't know!  
  
Kari: (Pointing) There it is! On the same table the apple was!  
  
Laura: Damn my fate!! I guess I'll have to swim for it, again. (Laura once more dives off the couch and swims back to the table. She grabs the chocolates, sticks it in her mouth, and begins the trek back to the couch, which is quite difficult in the sense that the water was only one foot  
high.)  
  
Kari: Hurry Laura, before the chocolates get wet!!!  
  
Laura: (Hauling herself onto the couch) Man, that water is wet! But I am here, and the chocolates  
aren't wet, considering they were wrapped in plastic wrap.  
  
Kari: Where are the candy canes?  
  
Laura: They're on the footstool! (She reaches out as far as she can, almost falling in the foot-deep water.) I got them!!  
  
Kari: Good. Now what should I do with this life jacket? Do you think we need it?  
  
Laura: Is it edible?  
  
Kari: I don't think so.  
  
Laura: (Thinking very hard) Get rid of it. We don't need it. Those things are never needed. They take up space that could be taken up by food.  
  
Kari: (Heaving it far, far into the water) Good point.  
  
Meanwhile, the water is rising, millimeter by millimeter. But Kari and Laura are oblivious to the water. After all, they have their candy canes, chocolate, and half eaten apple.  
  
  
  
  
Scene 2: The Scary, but Food-Filled Middle  
  
It is three days later. The house is fully sunken and the couch is still miraculously floating amid the rubble of the house. On the couch are their candy canes, chocolates, and a half eaten apple, now turned brown. Kari and Laura are having this discussion as we join them.  
  
Laura: You eat it.  
  
Kari: No, you eat it.  
  
Laura: But it's brown!  
  
Kari: The brown part is the sweet part.  
  
Laura: I still don't like the brown.  
  
Kari: But it's your apple.  
  
Laura: (Sighing) Well, I guess so. (Laura picks up the apple, looks at it, and in one bite, shoves it all in her mouth. She chews on it thoughtfully.) You're right. The brown part is the sweet part.  
  
Kari: Why didn't you give me half?  
  
Laura: I didn't know you wanted any.  
  
Kari: Well, you should have asked. Damn my fate!!  
  
(They lapse into silence until Kari notices a ball of yarn floating by with a pair of plastic scissors attached.)  
  
Kari: (Looking at Laura.) Do you know how to play Cat's Cradle?  
  
Laura: Duh! We used to play that together! Why do you ask?  
  
Kari: Well, there's a ball of yarn and scissors floating out there if you want to go get it.  
  
Laura: I don't know. That water is really wet.  
  
Kari: Where's the love, man?  
  
Laura: In that apple I ate. Oh, it's giving me gas. Maybe if I dive in the water, it will help!  
  
Kari: Go for it!!  
  
(Laura swims out for the ball of yarn and scissors, grabs them, swims back and heaves herself onto the couch.)   
  
Laura: That water is still wet. Do you think we can do anything about that? And my hair is all messy. What if Leonardo DiCaprio swims by?  
  
Kari: What are the odds of that?  
  
Laura: Hey look! (Points to a shadowy figure swimming closer.) Who is that?  
  
Kari: (Looking) Holy bunkas! It's Leonardo DiCaprio!  
  
Laura: And my hair is a mess of split ends and snarls. Not to mention the salt water that took away my beautiful shine! Whatever shall I do?  
  
Kari: Whatever you do, do it fast cause he's gaining on us!  
  
Laura: This is not time for caution! I know what I must do. My choice is clear! (Laura takes the scissors and grabs a lock of her hair. Kari looks on with horror as she watched Laura unevenly cut her hair short and close to the scalp. But not too close. Just as Leonardo swims up, Laura finishes her hair. Kari's eyes widen in horror as she realized that Laura has done a Do.)  
  
Laura: (Poofing her unnaturally shortened hair.) So Leo, what are you doing here?  
  
Leonardo: Well, I was filming the movie "Titanic" when I smelled candy canes in danger of drowning. I had to go investigate.  
  
Kari: (Pushing Leo away with her foot) Get away! You can't have them! Those are Laura's candy canes!  
  
Leonardo: I must have those candy canes!  
  
Laura: You absolutely cannot have them. They're for me and Kari in case we starve to death.  
  
Leonardo: Then die so I can have the candy canes!  
  
Laura: Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Leonardo: I'll make you a deal. I'll give you my autograph for those two candy canes.  
  
Kari: We don't have any paper. Besides, what do we need your autograph for? It's not like we can eat it.  
  
Leonardo: Well, fine. I'll just go away now. (Starts to swim away) Just to let you know, millions of girls would die to have my autograph.  
  
Laura: (As Leo swims off) We would die if we didn't have our candy canes.  
  
(While Kari joins in the conversation by sticking out her tongue at Leo and yelling obscenities at him, Laura notices a dorsal fin coming closer.)  
  
Laura: (Pointing) Kari, what is that?  
  
(Kari watches the fin come right up to the side of the couch. She looks at it closer.)   
  
Kari: Stuff, is that you? (Fin wiggles back and forth) Oh Stuff!! And look, Laura, he brought us candy canes!  
  
Laura: Oh Stuff! You will not believe what just happened. Leonardo DiCaprio came and tried to steal our candy canes. Will you help us guard them? (Fin wiggles back and forth) Oh joy! You're such a good guard Stuff!   
  
(Laura places the candy canes in a huge cooler built into the arm of the couch.) Hey, should we go fishing?  
  
Kari: Yeah! (Stuff's fin wiggles) What should we use as bait? (Stuff's fin wiggles again) What's that Stuff? Did you say candy canes? (Fin wiggles)  
  
Laura: (Sticking candy cane in water) It's not working.  
  
Kari: Hey, take that ball of yarn that you rescued and use it as a fishing line.  
  
Laura: Yeah, why didn't I think of that?  
  
Kari: I think you're brain is too waterlogged to think straight.  
  
Laura: (Tying the candy can to the yarn and throwing it in the water) This should work.  
  
(Soon the line begins to tug. Laura pulls it in and the scowling face of Leonardo DiCaprio breaks the surface. In one quick motion, Leo breaks the yarn, holds the candy cane in his mouth, and swims off into the sunset.)  
  
Kari: Leonardo!! You slime!! You plankton! (Kari glances at Stuff and gets an idea.)Stuff! Go after Leonardo! Go get him Stuff! You can do it!  
  
(Stuff's fin races off towards Leo while Kari and Laura cheer him on. After hearing many screams, Stuff's fin comes back looking pleased with itself. On top of the fin, there are the candy canes.)  
  
Laura: (Picking up candy canes) Oh my gosh! One of the wrappers is ripped! I'll have to eat it! (Looking at Kari) Kari, do you want some?  
  
Kari: No thanks. Who knows what kind of cooties are on it. (Pets Stuff on the fin) Good job Stuff.  
  
Laura: (Biting the candy cane in half) Here Stuff. You deserve it.  
  
Scene ends with Laura reaching in water to give Stuff the reward. Leo looks on in the distance with longing in his eyes while Kari finally figures out how to open the box of chocolates.  
  
  
  
  
Scene 3: The Scary End and the Party  
  
Scene opens with Laura in the water. She has a harness around her chest and is swimming in a Christmas tree she found in the water. She heaves herself and the Christmas tree onto the couch.  
  
Laura: That water is still wet! I thought it would have dried out by now. But look at all those candy canes on the tree. We should plant this tree in the middle of our couch.  
  
Kari: That's a good idea. Stuff! We need your help!  
  
(Stuff's fin swims up to the side of the couch. Kari reaches in the water and yanks out Stuff's dorsal fin. She digs a hole with his fin and replaces it in the water. Stuff waves his fin around happily.)  
  
Kari: What was that Stuff? Yes, Stuff, you did a good job. Now Laura can plant her tree.  
  
(Laura puts the tree in the hole. She takes the fuzz from the ruined pillows and spreads it around the trunk of the tree. She waters it with salt water. Meanwhile, Kari takes out the box of chocolates.)  
  
Kari: (Looking at chocolate) Laura, do you want a piece of chocolate?  
  
Laura: Not while I'm decorating the tree. (Candy cane falls on Laura) Damn my fate!!  
  
Kari: Well, do you or don't you want to split this piece of chocolate? (Holding up the chocolate)  
  
Laura: (Looking at chocolate) Kari, that piece is only two centimeters in diameter.  
  
Kari: What is diameter?  
  
Laura: I couldn't tell you. It makes me sound smart though.  
  
(Suddenly, they heard a voice)  
  
Voice: I'll take the chocolate.  
  
Kari and Laura: (Looking towards the voice) LEONARDO!!!  
  
Laura: Try to take my candy canes and I'll club you over the head with this tree!!  
  
Kari: SIC 'EM STUFF!!!!(Stuff tenses up, getting ready for action)  
  
Leonardo: CURSE YOU RED BARON!!! (Leonardo swims off muttering "Damn my fate" and "Curse you Red Baron" as he swims into the noon sun.)  
  
Kari: Yeah, this is a cause for a celebration. We should get a tree!!  
  
Stuff: (Wiggle, wiggle)  
  
Kari: What's that Stuff? Oh, we already have a tree? That's right. Laura dragged it in and one of the candy canes fell on her head.  
  
Laura: Oh, is that what hit me? I had a memory loss for a while. I can only remember redand white strips as I went to that big Christmas party in the sky.  
  
Kari: Laura, you got hit by a candy cane. Ask Stuff. He saw it too.  
  
Laura: Is that true Stuff?  
  
Stuff: (Wiggle, wiggle)  
  
Laura: (Throwing her arms up in the air) I'm the best! I remember! I'm excited! We should get a tree!  
  
Kari: Laura, you mentally handicapped amnesiac!  
  
Stuff: (Wiggle, wiggle)  
  
Laura: What did you say Stuff? You think we're smart? Thanks Stuff. You're a good friend.  
  
Kari: Speaking of good friends, we should have a party with all of our good friends. Like Pablo, Palka, Tyler, maybe not Tyler. And of course, we can't forget the Hanson brothers. They can sing for us and we can sic Stuff on them if they sing bad or look like girls.  
  
Laura: And look at our good fortune! There's a case of generic pop floating by! This is a sign that we should have a party! We should have a party! And not invite our enemy Leonardo DiCaprio!  
  
Stuff: (Wiggle, wiggle)  
  
Kari: What's that Stuff? You'll deliver the invitations? Oh, good dorsal fin Stuff!  
  
(Kari and Laura write out invitations and strap them to Stuff's dorsal fin so he can deliver them. Kari and Laura fix up the couch for the party by setting out the built in stove in the couch and taking out the candy canes so everyone can roast them over an open fire. As soon as they set up, the people and other things start coming. The party starts off well.)  
  
Tyler: Nice hair Laura. It looks almost like mine.  
  
Pablo: Hee-haw!!  
  
Laura: Okay, everyone! It's time for the generic pop!!  
  
Everyone: Yeah!  
  
Tyler: Praise the Lord!!!  
  
(Laura dives into the water to grab the generic pop. As soon as she lifts the case out of the water, Leo pops out.)  
  
Everyone: LEONARDO DiCAPRIO!  
  
Pablo: Hee-haw!  
  
Laura: Leonardo, get out of our party!  
  
Leonardo: All I want is a candy cane.  
  
Laura: Go away!  
  
Stuff: (Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle!)  
  
Kari: Yeah, Stuff, you're right. Laura, since this is our first Couch Party, I think we should let Leonardo stay.  
  
Laura: Yeah, you're right Kari. Come on and hop on our couch. Here's your candy cane and your can of generic pop.  
  
Kari: Let's offer a toast!  
  
Pablo: Hee-haw.  
  
Stuff: (Wiggle, wiggle)  
  
Kari: Yes, Stuff. That is quite correct. (Raising can of generic pop and motioning to others to do the same.) God bless us, everyone.  
  
Everyone: God bless us, everyone!  
  
Tyler: Praise the Lord!  
  
Hanson: MmmBop!  
  
Pablo: Hee-haw.  
  
Kari: Wow Leonardo. You're a lot cuter in person.  
  
Laura: Palka! Get away from me! Damn my fate!!  
  
Stuff: (Wiggle, wiggle)  
  
The End  
  
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Now wasn't that fun? You can find more of our stories at www.expage.com/klsworld. Tell us what you think of it. There's a box for that somewhere around here. Or you can email us at k-l-s@canada.com. 


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